The fear of mental illness
The fear of mental illness is that things happen to you by forces outside/inside yourself that you have no control over and don’t understand. It is the fear of the unknown, fear of not knowing the outcome of what is happening and fear of why it is happening specifically to you. These are things that are not the breakdown itself, but actually things do happen to you. An example of this is where strands of things that feel like soft wire form a mesh in my head and I can feel them root in areas of my head/ brain. It is something that always freaks me out. I think that the wire things are re-routing my brain, or that it will cause me to think differently.
I believe in normal people psychospiritual development occurs at night, whilst asleep. I think this is because you are aware to a certain extent but not so aware that it disturbs you. I think what happens to people like me, this development occurs when we can’t sleep and the outside forces come to do developmental things to you and if you are fully aware it is like treason. This is because you are considered to be asleep and if not you are in the mentally unwell category, but it isn’t that you are really mentally ill, it is that you freak out at the stuff that is happening to you that makes you unwell! Also because you are aware of what is happening often I find I will ruin my (belief of) psychospiritual development because I answer back and think whilst it is occurring and due to this they get angry and suddenly everything goes upside down, like subconscious things like breathing becomes conscious, and talking is something that becomes thinking.
Noises and sounds have messages in them, like whispers, or like subconscious understandings. They cause your mind to race with thoughts and ideas are uncontrollable (about what could be happening to you, or what the end result may be). Large bursts of insight can occur which can be a positive thing in a way, but the content is not necessarily real or positive. It causes a rush of fear and excitement, so many emotions occurring at one time it is sensory overload.
The voices of loved ones, friends and family begin to emanate from nowhere (somewhere in the sky) or from any medium where there is noise. Knocking can turn into a sentence, music into brainwashing and paranoia. It is like constant scrutiny upon one’s personal space. They would talk incessantly over your own thoughts until long past you thought you were mad. I became accustomed to it and their constant criticism. It made you aware of everything you did or said, to be polite at all times (because otherwise it would feed them with ammunition). I would try to answer back to correct their negativity with truth and points of injustice, until I got worn down to the very edge of insanity to then cry and cry for days. The voices told me of nasty things about myself, made me suspicious of people I was close to and cared for. In the end I prayed to God for help to stop them, (not knowing what else would work) and then I appologised to God for asking for help for being so awful before having turned my back on God when I had gone through my boyfriend’s death about 2 years ago. In actual fact this stopped the voices whether it was God or my belief in God, I am not able to say but the voices did go away after that night.
