The unfairness of it all
Now everyone, this is more of a venting session than an informative writing as this is in the present. I am sick to death of people using my mental health issues against me! My EX boyfriend who shall remain nameless, used to use my illness against me all the time, for things that any normal other girlfriend would get paranoid about. Such instances like I found my emails saved on his profile (not password protected as we were meant to ‘trust each other and have nothing to hide’ ) under a saved search. I think most girls would get a bit upset about that I am sure it is not a side effect of my psychosis! Also I angered myself and self-harmed last year, not to actually get pity or cry for help, rather to lash out because I knew if I didn’t do this I would break something in the house. He stuck with me for at least 6 months after I did this and dealt with it really well (actually) at the time, however told me later after we had broken up (July) this August that he had decided then that there was no future for us because of me behaving in such a way. He could have told me that nearer the time instead of me wasting my time with him, as I am no spring chicken now!!!!! I wasted a good year and 10 months with him until he finally drove me mad with his noncommittal attitude and never giving me any priorities (I was last after -in no particular order- family, friends, football, poker and work).
So anyway, I just realised another thing had been going on while we were going out, he had been receiving kisses and stuff from a girl all throughout our relationship on face book, which I had never seen before (I think he had hidden it before) and I emailed him about it last night, saying I was disappointed really, and he’s response was ‘You are a paranoid nutter’……which I think again is him just using my mental health illness against me again! I think it is SICK that people will be so prejudiced against us that are trying so hard to be normal and to get on with our lives which is NOT easy with our disposition. He is just baiting me being hurtful and demeaning. There aren’t many people who manage to get out of mental illness like I have seen and experienced I was one of the bad cases I was told and the fact I have come out the other side to be almost normal and functioning has been not short of a miracle. I am not saying it is anything special about me, there are other people who have done it, but there are few of us. What I am trying to stress is the fact that we have managed it (almost) was not only a very difficult uphill struggle but that once we have managed it the last thing we need are callous people in our lives that use it against us when it is nothing to do with our mental illness! I bet I am not the only one here, and please comment if you find the same thing. I was reacting as any other normal girl would…..I do know my parameters! I know when I am ill and I know when I am being unreasonable and delusional. In fact I never was delusional with him, but he went on and on about me being a ‘psycho’ so much I began to doubt myself. So I am just saying to anyone who is unfortunate enough to be around these poisonous people like him get them out of your life because they drag you down and hurt you for no reason other than they themselves don’t want to admit they are in the wrong.
Just for more information about people being prejudiced against people with mental health issues…….I was working in Bank of America in London for about a year. I was promoted by an MD asking personally for me to be his PA. I went on to fill this role and I was good at it, efficient and timely, organised I even did his personal stuff for him like organise his phone line set up and imminent move to UK from Japan. He and I got on really well he was a great man to work for. Then as he was promoted to a higher position I thought I better tell my line manager about my illness just for safe guarding. It isn’t like I felt under pressure or stressed or that I couldn’t cope….I thought I would say just in case the time came when I did feel like that. So I told my line manager about my illnesses. She seemed to take it really well at first, but then a day later or something she told me it was too stressful for me and I should stand down and do admin again. I was devastated as I loved my job and really was enjoying working for my boss. Also it was meant to be my ticket into going temp to perm and I was due to go perm soon. I ended up leaving soon after I turned admin again as it wasn’t challenging enough for me. This another example of how people will use a mental illness against you.
It angers me so much that this happens. It is unfair and cruel, but what can you expect in such a cut throat world now a days. I want to fight for people with mental illness that are nearly recovered but still have a history of it to be able to stand up to people like these. It is not only ignorance but pure hard heartedness.
