The devil and secrets
The valley: This was a place in my mind the very darkest and blackest part of my mind (literally not symbolically). There would be other people there as spirits trying to sleep, but this was made difficult because there were two layers of people some in Hell at the bottom of my head and others in Heaven which where at the top of my head standing on a shelf as it were. The people in hell were able to sleep because they had the ground to sleep on but the people in heaven had to stand up all the time and could not sleep. In this instance I was in Hell. I was trying to sleep (I was in bed trying to sleep at the time but was seeing only inside my mind where this was taking place, if you can imagine the world disappearing and this reality taking over this was what it was like), but because I was in hell the devil would come and slip into your dreams (‘she’ would slide up next to your ear whilst you were asleep and whisper questions that she wanted to know about usually gossip, which I never had so instead she would ask me riddles and I would not be able to work out what to say as I never knew the answers. This process was really to get information from you about your most trusted secrets. She then would use this information and fly up to heaven where she would tell the heavenly boding people of your secrets as there she is under Gods command. So it was a process of taking from the undeserving and giving to the deserving. I felt though as always that the devil was testing me and that there was only one right answer, not just information you could give her, and I was fearful of what she would do if I got the answer wrong or lied. She hissed at me ‘what will you give to me?’ I was all a blunder and could not think of anything that was not needed, so blurted out ‘my head’ which at the time had been swapped for someone else’s so was not really mine to give away! It was all a mess. As time wore in it became apparent that this place functioned on people giving their hearts to the devil. The devil in the form of a v shape fluttering around would take the heart of the person in hell and then give it to a person in heaven. Then the people in heaven would feel for the people in hell and their hearts filtered down to the people in hell anyway, not the same ones, but hearts none the less. The saints march also took place in the valley. It would occur just as you wanted to go to sleep and you would see millions of people marching with palms singing some Christian hymn. They marched over you and you had to pretend you were dead or asleep of they would take your soul? I wasn’t sure what they actually did because I managed to not have it done to me! But I knew all those in hell were fearful of these saints and I felt that fear gripping me.
There seems to be an inherent theme with spiritual/ religious things in these so-called ’tests’ that I had been administered, in my mind. It was almost like my mind didn’t think normally all the time, and so when I did have a psychotic episode, my mind was in over-drive and wanting over stimulation. However it still doesn’t make sense that it was all so symbolic. Maybe because the mind doesn’t want to make tests out of trivial matters and it always has to be a matter of life and death in a spiritual sense? I am not sure. Maybe this was the only thing I would respond to as nothing else would matter enough? I am sure everyone’s experience of illness is slightly different but I have heard that there is often a theme like this in it about religion. In a way it did make you feel like you were burdened with a test that you needed to pass and get right, because the religious aspect was so strong it made you believe in it. Though I am not a practicing Christian, and would describe myself as more spiritual than anything else. It was actually terrifying at the time, not because of the devil being in my head, but that you never knew the consequences of your actions. Unlike normal life where you know what will happen if you do something……it was full of foreboding, fear of fear, fear of not knowing anything. It was a scam though, the mind destructing itself……I discovered with all these things they lived of the fear so much that you became scared of everything, what you thought, what you did, what you didn’t do, what others did, said and thought. It wore me down mentally over periods of months and months, gradually until you give up caring…..but this is the key! You have to not care about yourself, or others in these delusions because though you are heightened in empathy throughout this, it makes you fearful about everything. I gradually began to not play the tests any more, I learnt that there was a common theme and that this theme made me fearful and was not working for me. I would lie awake at night and watch hallucinations project themselves on my walls, but not react. I began to be a third person of myself! I have to admit it wasn’t exactly a conscious choice and I believe most of this occurring was due to me being so worn down by it all I just couldn’t react like I used to. This was the beginning of me getting my life back together, though I didn’t recognise it at the time.
