It’s like the most beautiful dream
After having had a comment about whether or not I would kill someone I have decided to write some of the more positive aspects of my mental illness tonight. I hope those of you reading this are able to interpret my last writings as what they were? I hope you can catch my drift as it is difficult to express them in the best way and sometimes I struggle to describe it as accurate as I felt. So please read my reply to that comment if this is something that worries you as well.
Into the dream world……….So during parts of my illness I experienced very spiritual things, almost what I may describe as enlightening experiences. I was doped up on diazepam I think at the time because a psychiatrist had just seen me and gave me them to take. I was sitting in my bedroom gazing at things my eyes were all blurry and everything had a lovely dreamy haze to it. I was looking at everything peacefully contemplating how beautiful everything looked when I observed my jewelry hanging on my walls in decorative holders and noticed that anything with glass or stones had a hologram of a person inside. It was totally 3 dimensional and in a purple/ pink colour. I looked in the mirror and also saw that I had a head band of holograms around my head in pairs but a chain, so each pair was together and there was a little gap and then another pair of spirits or something 3 dimensional around my head. My natural thought was that the pair of spirits were of my friends who were with their lovers and I was instrumental in keeping their love alive, which was a really lovely thought for me.
I also remember sitting in our kitchen where I was looking through walls and seeing large balls like the bollards you get in the sea or deep-sea mines or something? I could see through the floor and see pictures of things people usually and spirits of people. I also saw hovering in the air, two people (which I thought was myself and my present boyfriend) as a hologram and they would revolve and on each revolution a ‘layer’ of the person would disappear and you would see more of the true spirit and essence of who that person really was, which was more and more stunningly beautiful as each revolution took place. Finally at the last revolutions they developed into animals (dogs actually) which was pretty strange!!! Two German Shepard dogs! But it was awe-inspiring to see such amazing stuff.
When I was in hospital I wanted to rescue a friend who was in with me that I had met on the ward. I told him we’d go for a walk outside and my plan was to take him home to my parents house…..god only knows why because they would only cart me back again! But anyway, I dragged him out and we got some of the way, but he got scared and said he had to go back. I decided that I had got so far I may as well get as far as possible……so I walked along Eastbourne dual carriage way and on the way I found a shopping trolley that was left by the side of the road. I was angry at the world for some reason and I decided the best way of demonstrating this was to have a protest in the shopping trolley! So i sat in the shopping trolley by the side of the dual carriage way crossed legged and arms folded with a scowl on my face staring at all the drivers passing me. It was in hindsight pretty amusing.
So some of the things I experienced were not all bad. Also in hindsight I would never change it because it was a huge learning curve for me and I learnt loads about myself and my perception of the world through it. I realised I was really an empathic person, that I saw beauty in the most mundane of normal things, that I feel honoured now to have experienced. It is almost like I have been let into a secret world that hardly anyone else has been able to experience and to feel and touch and see the things that are most beautiful. Also the distressing parts were character building and made me a stronger person in the end. It was often interesting how I responded to them as I would show the true depth of my personality. When I feel down in my head and was in a dark treacherous hellish place my first concern was about my boyfriend and if he was experiencing that as well. I feared for others all the time, thinking that what I was experiencing was somehow now the norm and that others were in it not just me. I worried that I was thinking negative thoughts about people, I worried that I hurt souls, spirits of people etc. I put myself last all the time….which was probably because I was so ill. This is why I think schizophrenics would not naturally hurt people in a really detrimental way, if they feel anything like I did. I may have felt helpless and alone and scared or fearful for myself and for others, but this made me realise how lovely people were to help me through it and that unconditional support from my friends and mostly family gave me strength to carry on through it. I now believe it made me the person I am today in a wacky kind of fun way. I have an open mind which is always open to new experiences and this was a really amazing experience to have gone through and be lucky enough to have. I know you may not see it this way, and think I am just saying it to dress it up……but I really believe it. Like my psychiatrist said I have experienced stuff that most other people would pay loads for in drugs to have experienced! I am lucky I did it clean. I never needed anything to get these things and because of that they were intense experiences.
